IN MY SOLITUDE
Richard M. Collado
Love has never wane in its indefinite an infinite mystery. It captures the vibrant colors of dawn and haunts the echoing silence of twilight. It weaves tales of complexities that are incomprehensible, not even a sage can especially when the two powerful forces of mystery and fate conspire to move creatures in serial crossroads and in mystifying labyrinth of life.
For almost three decades now, I’ve been searching for the probabilities of love in various dimensions. I’ve tasted the bitterest of it yet it turned out to be the sweetest. And the sweetest which I knew ideally, became bitter in reality. I even fight with the ocean in its roaring waves in spite of cunning less to swim yet I have forcibly learned it eventually. I have been into the battlefield without a sword and a shield yet what was so amazing is, you will come to know that somebody will just keep you from harm. But all of these are incomparable in the greatest challenge of my life, the battle within myself.
Certainly, understanding oneself is the hardest thing to do. It can’t answer you back if you have queries. It can’t explain uncertainties. But the keenness of our senses will articulate everything in our solitude. We need to be a slave in a moment of silence even in the busiest days of our life. Introspection as they say can help you comprehend qualms. Yes, and this day I grabbed the elusive time which was hiding and has never mine for a long time. I took a moment of silence and there I have found the answers to some of my questions but still cynical.
For the past years, I am fortunate that I have at least felt the existence of that feeling that you can feel when someone feels the feeling that you feel. Funny?!!! It’s love, that’s what I’m toying at. It’s really so amazing how it works in a very unique means of making people in a crazy like state. They do all sorts to make their lines active to quench their intense wanting of that strange feeling, from the stereotypical ways (writing notes, words that are sweet-nothings) to the state-of –the –art media to conceive and nurture a relationship. Admittedly, I have been so negative about these things, not until I have tried and enjoyed its offers.
My senses have been dormant for almost ten years. Psychological imbalance terrorized my being. Freudian wanting has never visited me in my dreams. It’s indeed alarming! It’s far beyond normal, until I tried opening myself to infinite possibilities. And there, I found out, lies an inexplicable experience of a world which I have not been into for almost 10 long years. I enjoyed it, undeniably, yet eventually I just found myself hollow, empty and cold.
Then I go back questioning. “What power does love possesses?” I can’t get rid of it even I know for a fact that it might cause me trouble within myself. Yet, unexpectedly, came this stranger, possessing a hypnotic spell that even in just a couple of minutes you will be enveloped in its enchantment. How wonderful this spell would be. It never frightened me at all but instead it gives me a feeling of acceptance and a substance which fills my incompleteness. However, it’s just like a world of phantom, it will just fade unexpectedly. Then again, I’ll just go back to the world of delusion and found myself hoping that everything will come true.
Now in my solitude, I’m trying to trace a picture of myself after all that I went through. Am I really happy that at least I have tasted the conspiracy of love and fate or regretful because it just brought me into complexities and perplexities? But no, love is always right and nothing it can offer but happiness, it’s on us how we make it real.
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nosebleed sir
ReplyDeleteuhm...
ReplyDeletejak unay getz sir..
haha
In the 1st place, I'm happy to say that I was there as a witness to the metamorphose of sir chad when he finally came out in the open and made himself unguarded to the feeling of love and be loved. Every single word exquisitely created in this particular blog is clear and has a note of truthfulness. It really happens in the real world and I myself is subjected to such case. Love has really its own way of making people feel like there are butterflies in the stomach yet the magic which you get from it is unquestionable. Well, sir chad, whatever happens to you, we will always be here for you. Whatever decisions that you will make, we will support you. Go Go Go sir Chad! Ur so smart talaga!
ReplyDeleteHey SIR, lol... might just as well call you sir because all the posts calls you sir! Really, this is a nice piece of a written affirmation in regards to your solemnness. And frankly, I do have quite the same questions about it. Oh! Some words you used, geez... yah! nosebleed indeed. Though I'm not so sure "bitterest" is a word. He he sorry, just my poetic side kicking in. I would rather use "bitterness."
ReplyDeleteWell just glad that you have decided to give love a chance, because weather bitter or sweet, it will definitely be the best learning experience. It's something that will let you grow. It defines yourself more than anything else, and definitely a start of the best and the worst memories, which is something I'd like to keep....Take care Sir!
hmmm... i just cant see myself actually scribbling this...what i'm pretty sure off is, if your in the midst of your deepest emotion, you can really make things like this. tnx for the wonderfu comments!
ReplyDelete"they say it's a river, it circles the earth. a beam of light shining to the edge of a universe.it conquers all...it changes everything"...indeed, it did. the moment it hit you, you became all sorts of feeling, song, thought,...you were overwhelmed by
ReplyDeletethis that hit you. and upon trying to define it, you became more lost in its ambiguity. but whatever it was, love or almost love...aren't you glad it
happened? somehow whether it was joyful or sad, filling or emptying, relief or pain...aren't you glad you felt it? aren't you relieved you became real-- to that person, and more so, to yourself?
because of it, you began to know who you really are or becoming to be..and what's comforting is that you embraced it, and you began to see, to feel, and to love yourself more.. the things that were stirred because of this are just a few of the things that validate you are alive. you simply acknowledged what was already there. you simply accepted the truth. and that, because of this, you became. i remember once from a show i watched: when you start to figure out what you wanted and had it, what is there to look forward to. sometimes when you think about it, what you have at the moment must be the best for you at that time. and in your solitude, yourself was clearly speaking..and that is when you realiased. (i hope made sense..hehe)
i love it!
ReplyDelete